Losing words: two spoken silences

I have been quite quiet in recent months, because I have lost confidence in what I have to say.
I think this is good, for now.

I discovered a very great deal of dishonesty dwelling within me. I have become painfully aware that I have been using language in very untruthful ways. Trying to impress, to control, to deceive and manipulate.
Not really trying to communicate at all!

Now, I dont want to do this anymore. So trying not to lie, I've found myself without a lot to say. Both here in my blog and also in my everyday life. I just have far less to say.


-- I no longer want to speak because I'm good at using words.
And I dont want to use words with the intention of impressing others by what I have to say.
-- I dont want to use words as a way of gaining power, authority, and attention in a group.
-- I dont want to speak up for the sake of saying something, because I like to argue or contend. And because I'm good at it.
-- I dont want to speak because I'm bored or uncomfortable in a social setting.

instead of speaking my piece out loud, I am trying to speak silent prayers.
that I have found this silent alternative so challenging, only confirms the emptiness of my outspoken words: I would rather be the active force-- I would like to move others by my articulate opinion and my ideas; I would persuade them well and make my important self heard; I should have some credit for these insights.
So, this is my first silence.

I am tired of behaving as though speaking, declaring, writing, is without consequence. I have spoken hastily and at great length in the past simply because I have not felt any responsibility for my words.
I now believe what we i choose to say matters a great deal. This gives me pause.



I am not so important as I have liked to act.
I haven't all that much wisdom in me and I dont really get it out of me in the right moments anyhow.


This certainly should not be mistaken for agreement with the old adage that "it is better to be a silent fool, undiscovered, than to speak up and confirm it."
On the contrary it is very good to have one's foolishness confirmed!


This sort of speaking (to confirm one's foolishness) has been part of the silence I am in fact trying to keep. This is my second silence:
it is precisely when I find in myself an opinion that I hold which, in the company of the wise, i realize might come across as foolish, that I have trained myself to speak up. This is an inversion of my past strategies of speech. I would avoid embarrassment and correction at all cost, so as to appear far more erudite than I am.

Every Tuesday evening Vespers I chant out loud, Let a good man strike or rebuke me, but let the oil of the wicked never anoint my head.
I am finally coming to mean this, so I speak my insecure folly into the company of better men. I expose myself to their quickening rebuke. This is a silence for me.


-Basil

Heavenly things

I visited Holy Transfiguration Hermitage on the Sunshine Coast, Monday.
Those three monks live a life of voluntary poverty the likes of which I have never before encountered.
They gave me treasure.

-Mark

Not again please

just fyi,
dont watch the terrible flick Because I said so.

I'm actually not put off by chick flicks in themselves. it's just any story telling that flaunts illness as normal that turns my stomach.
How do people swallow this stuff?

But then, I am hypersensitive to the moral climate of a film, while rather insensitive to it's visual content-- I can watch hideous violence and even pretty terrible sex, *if* the moral climate of the film is right and true.
what matters to me is that the story be truthful; if you must show us hideous violence and disgusting sex, then show these for what they are.

I respect and even admire those whose stomachs are too soft for this sort of viewing in itself; I think that's a sensitivity worth guarding and honouring.
However it's one I just do not have.

But try to make me laugh at something that is blasphemous (an attempt made by the majority of pop comedies churned out these days) and you will find me cringing at best, stone-cold-hating at worst. With such things I'm usually at worst.


In fact I would say that I judge people very strictly by what they laugh at.
What we find funny tells more truth about us than we could even know to confess.

-basil

Roadcheck Encounters of the Third Kind

1) May 16th, 2007 (today!)
So I've had a pretty pissy day, in a pretty shitty month.
This morning I had another test to write for a government job I'm in competition for. I had practiced and expected it to pass like a playful breeze. However just before writing I learned there were actually TWO tests this morning, the second based on knowledge of the specific job I was applying for-- knowledge I had not studied or learned at all!!
I bombed it.
:(
Thankfully Andrew and Paula gave me a tall glass of red wine with lunch (riddle me this- is it sinful to drink wine on a fast day, IF it was given in hospitality? For the correct answer consult a legalist near you).
Tonight at work a man I support refused to leave our parking garage for 45 minutes, and later refused to leave his chair to go to bed! grrr!!! What a headache.
Earlier when I arrived at work my manager informed me that the work keys I lost on my day off yesterday are irreplaceable! I shouldn't have had them with me in the first place, and they were lost along with all the rest of my keys!!! I had to break into my car to drive home.
and I got a sunburn.
So... As I drove home from work at the end of this long day I had to pass through a police road check, and this is how it went:
Officer: Have you had any alcohol to drink tonight sir?
Me (roling my eyes): O goodness, unfortunately not.
Officer: Unfortunately?! Hahaha! Go ahead sir.
The cop was grinning ear to ear as I drove away.

2) About Four Years ago:
In the late evening some summer day, I came upon a roadcheck. And this is how the conversation sounded:
Officer: Have you had anything to drink this evening sir?
Me: Yes, I had two beers with supper a few hours back. [Said looking the cop straight in the eye and with crisp enunciation]
Officer: You can go ahead sir.

[Parental Advisory: the following encounter is restricted; no one under the ethical age of 19 may read further]
3) About Six Years ago:
First let me say it's because of this third encounter that the second encounter above happened at all. In fact I lied to the cop in the second encounter; I had no alcohol at all that evening.
Now, about six years ago:
Driving home from a club late one night, in a car that belonged to a wasted man in the back seat next to my wasted ex-girlfriend, I came upon a police roadcheck. The car stunk of alcohol breath. Here's how the conversation went:
Officer: Good evening sir. Have you had anything to drink tonight?
Me: Yes I did have one beer in the early evening, but that's all. [Looking the cop in the eye, using good, clear diction]
Officer (shining his flashlight into the back of the car): You're the designated driver tonigh then?
Me: Yes.
Officer: You may go ahead sir.
Now as a matter of fact, I was lying here too. I had had more than one beer. While at the club that night I had three beers to drink, followed by eleven shots of hard liquor.
I was still very drunk, and very scared as I drove up to that roadcheck. But I guess it didn't show. And clearly I was very stupid, with the ethical intelligence of a two year old. But the Lord had mercy.

This isn't really all to say, but let me say nonetheless, please be sure to avoid roadcheck encounters of the third kind.

My April

In the beginning,
there was coffee with James

I saw Jeff in the Sunshine

here's Richard learning brail

crabbing, with reservations

Daydreaming...

...about rock climbing at Lighthouse again

Beach fire
down at Wreck

PRAYER

Out with the boys ...

and Victoria

And finally,
just after Tuesday Vespers

James learned of the cantors'
6am breakfast
planned for the next day

He was not impressed

And yes it WAS early


But breakfast

Was

Good

The End.

Why I must fast to forgive

I think it's time to start fasting.
I've been wavering this season; I think I will tighten my practice and usher in some rule keeping.
I am one of the "weaker brethren" Saint Paul mentions in Romans 14; I think I need to eat only vegetables.

I think I need the fast because at heart I am more Pharisee than Publican.
So far this lent I am not keeping the fast that well. And still I've been judging my brother every chance I get. If yours is not precisely my lenten praxis, then it's probably wrong. If you have a beer in the evening or a tasty, filling breakfast, watchout! I've been out to judge you. God forbid you've chosen to put cream in your coffee.

This quickness to judge indicates to me that it's time to sober up and try to follow the rules even more strictly.
I'm not going to do it because failing to keep this stricter rule will wound my pride and slow my judgement of others who fail. (Though this will doubtless happen).
I'm doing it because the best way to combat Phariseeism is NOT by eliminating the rules. We dont fight our inner Pharisee by relaxing our concern to follow the rules. We can only enter into the spiritual struggle against Phariseeism by first endeavoring to really keep the fast. Only when I am doing a good job at following the rules-- when my stomach is reigned in and I have control of my desires-- only then can I struggle to not judge my brother who is *not* following the rules.
This is the real battle, for me.
It is only when I am fasting well that I am in a position to struggle against my judgementalism.
If I do not fast, what right have I to judge anyone? Yet if I fast well, I am tempted with a reason to judge others. Only then can I receive the grace to fight this temptation, and to grow stronger in Christ.
For He alone was entitled to condemn the whole world, but came instead to forgive.

So please pray for me.
not that I keep the fast well. But that when I do, I learn just a little better how to forgive my brother.

"...and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him."
--Rom.14:3

For His Bride

I love the Canon of St Andrew of Crete.
Prayers tonight were so amazing; re-entering the whole Story of Salvation, I am an Israelite.



Refrain: Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me.
Troparia:
The waves of my sins, O Saviour, as in the Red Sea recoiled and covered me unawares, like the Egyptians of old and their charioteers. (Exodus 14:7-31)
Like Israel of old, my soul, you have had a foolish affection. For like a brute you have preferred to divine manna the pleasure-loving gluttony of the passions. (Numbers 21; 5: I Corinthians 10: 9)
The wells of Canaanite thoughts, my soul, you have prized above the Rock with the cleft from which the river of wisdom like a chalice pours forth streams of theology. (Genesis 21:25; Exodus 17:6)
Swine's flesh and hotpots and Egyptian food you, my soul, have preferred to heavenly manna, as of old the senseless people in the wilderness. (Exodus 16:3; Numbers 11:4-7)
When Thy servant Moses struck the rock with his staff, he mystically typified Thy life-giving side, O Saviour, from which we all draw the water of life. (Numbers 20:11; I Corinthians 10:4)
Explore and spy out the Land of Promise like Joshua the Son of Nun, my soul, and see what it is like, and settle in it by observing the laws. (Josh. 2)
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit:
To the Holy Trinity: I am the Trinity, simple and undivided, divided Personally, and I am the Unity, united in nature, says the Father, the Son, and the Divine Spirit.
Now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen.
Theotokion: Thy womb bore God for us Who took our form. Implore Him as the Creator of all, O Mother of God that through thy intercessions we may be justified.


Glory to Jesus Christ.
-Basil

When He says Now

Vespers tonight was beautiful.
I know as a choir member my primary role is to sing well so everyone else can pray. this is my goal at every service and i am surprisingly satisfied with it (given how much i loved just blending in as a non-choir member, back when that was my place).
however tonight in the midst of my service Christ caught me and stole my focus with such a firm and loud stare-- He pulled my gaze and the words we sang would not leave my lips as anything but prayer. heavy and deep prayer; the Lord had me tonight.
it was beautiful. He is so beautiful.

i find my most powerful moments in the liturgy put me in a state of tragic love.
the dry chaff of the ordinary every-moment peels away and suddenly i'm in reality, i'm in heaven, and i am tragically in love with Christ. He is so full and present, i am utterly distressed and desperate. the muscles in my face tense and my eyes are sharp and hot. and i am so in love-- and it is so tragic, this love. in my eyes and in my heart it is a forever-tragic moment; it is all the splendor of Eternity forcefully bearing down on a groaning and faded garment, this thin skin between my eyes.
there is no balance.
there is only tragedy and love.

Blackbeard

i'm overdue my post on the various glories of facial hair.
sorry stephen.
not much in the mood to write;

i'll speak a few thousand words and be done for the night.

dedicated to my brother bruce

i went and saw Bruce Cockburn in concert friday night here in vancouver. jeff gave me this experience for my birthday. yay jeff!

bruce is my favourite. he's the best by me, at singing life honestly and fully.

from his newest album he sang, "you cant tell me there's no mystery..." he's sung in the past that the soul's nothing but a burning light. he sings, "well i read my bible often and i try to read it right..."
what a formidable task! to read the bible right. how true then, to do this is to encounter Irreducible Mystery.

tell me how my God who is LIFE itself can send an angel of death to take the little firstborn babes of the Egyptian peoples? and then how this same God could give up his own first born son for us while we were the Egyptians!
God's justice is a mystery. there is no fairness in him; dont look for it, he doesn't make that kind of sense.
God Himself is cloaked and impenetrable in a dark smoking cloud of MYSTERY.

he is that tiny babe who created the universe that put him to death.
he at once dwells in the heavens above and out of reach, at once he is perfectly holy and pure light, while simultaneously being everywhere present, simultaneously found in darkness and the giver of life even to the unholy demons themselves!
what God is this?
dont tell me you know him.
you cannot know him!

yet the unknowable has entered time and space; flesh, bone, sinew, and heart are his temple now!
dont tell me you do not know him!
you cannot know yourself if you do not know him.

tonight jeff played bruce's christmas album. i am ready for the incarnation again.
i love you bruce and i pray for you. keep on singing the truth, somehow, outside the visible church, somehow, surviving and surpassing me in your right reading of God's word!
somehow. you know the Mystery and He knows you, i think.

i will keep praying for you. and i look forward to long walks and many laughs along the shoreline of eternity in that Great Day ahead.

-mb

thud thud thud thud thud.
brrarrarrarrarrarrarrarriiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmm.
thud thud thud thud thud thud.

streetwork out my front window. ugh.
that's sound number one.

bam! bam! bam! bam!
scraaaaaaaaape. shufffle shuffle.

floorwork in my landlord's suite above me.
sound number two.

BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

thankfully i'm no longer vacuuming. never heard a banshee scream? wanna?
sound number three.

how do we ever manage to commune with God and neighbor in the humdrum of our daily lives?
where do we find room in the space between these intrusions into the stillness of the LORD's presence.
i dont know.
Lord, have mercy.


-m

bright sunshine everywhere

i think Little Miss Sunshine is a new favourite movie of mine.
it's one of the most ethically potent comedies i've seen. there's a very parabolic quality to it; go and see for yourself if you have eyes for it.

four things you should watch for:

1) this movie is brilliantly anti-promiscuity.
the grandfather is an ornery, dirty old man who rants on to his grandson about how he should, "fuck a lot of women, not just one, a lot of women."
this is actually pretty good advice for teens by estimation of our culture's shared consciousness. at least it's seen as harmless and amusing, at most it's smart and fitting. be promiscuous, especially while you're young and free. it's time to be wild and to experiment sexually.
however the vulgarity of the grandfather, the inappropriateness of the setting for his lecture, and his destiny in the story all invite us to see this advice for what it is: a gross distortion that leads to unhappiness and ultimately death.

2) this movie is powerfully critical of nihilistic atheistic philosophy.
the intelligent, angsty, nietzsche-idolizing teen who "hates everybody" and speaks to no one on ideological grounds, is forced by existential anguish to reclaim his voice and with it his humanity in a cry of lamentation!
when life sharpens and happens to him in an act of severe grace, his philosophy fails him and only his family, his relationships, can console him.

3) this movie is beautifully anti-self-help.
as with the failings of atheistic philosophy, so too the failings of our self-help culture are brought to light.
this time it's the father who has bought an idol that cannot save him. he's a motivational speaker who's '9 steps to success' book wont sell, plunging the family into financial devastation. his effort to apply his own 9-step program to redeem this failure ends in even greater humiliation. furthermore we see what he cannot, the damage he is doing to his daughter's self-image as she struggles to be the winner her father conditions his love on. there's a precious, heartbreaking moment where she vulnerably shares her fears with the dirty grandpa. as a true antihero he shines through at this moment, leading me to share her confidence that if there is a heaven, he's in it (vulgarity, delusion, and lack of commitment to christ *not* withstanding).

4) ultimately, this movie is about our fundamental need for others.
the family is messed up and utterly dysfunctional. nevertheless not one of the characters is without moments of redemptive beauty. every one of them demonstrates sincere love for another, which becomes grace and salvation for both the giver and receiver of this love. if philosophy cant save us and we cant save ourselves, how then can we be saved?
like another favourite movie of mine, Magnolia, this movie brilliantly demonstrates the work of God's invisible Spirit for the salvation of the ungodly, deluded, and unbelieving sinner.
for those with ears for it this movie tells a story of our Heavenly King who truly is "everywhere present and filling all things." these broken, messed up people are *not* those who are perishing. they are the weak and broken Christ came to save! in our self righteousness we believers can easily miss this distinction.
the perishing (in gospel language) are the ones who outwardly look clean and together, believing themselves to be in control and self-sufficient, while inwardly they decay and grow increasingly insensitive to the love and needs of their neighbour.


i am always so delighted to see the Light of God shine cryptically bright even in the most unexpected places.
Little Miss Sunshine bears such light i believe, challenging those hearts that may be hardened to anything explicitly christian, but that remain malleable yet to the infinite love of God.
plus it's wicked-funny!
go see it.
-m
(p.s. sorry stephen i lied. expect a post on facial hair soon though)

two things from two days in my life

there are a lot of stupid things.
i tend to manifest more than my share.

two stupid things:
1)
yesterday while out with the newly catechumenized (bamm!) A-team, i ate two fried eggs, over-easy, between cream-cheese slathered pieces of toast and with a fine fried sausage slice. this was a very good idea. however being bearded and orally clumsy i suppose, i let a slow trickle of gooey yellow egg yoke trickle down my sizable goatee. the yellow gunk remained in my beard undetected long enough to coagulate into a gummy, clingy mess. and this was stupid.
when i did discover it i was very disgusted and a measure embarrassed by my sloppiness. i was also quite fed up with my beard.

2)
this morning i decided to shave my beard. i also decided to drink a large cup of morning javaliciousness.
these ideas on their own were both good and not stupid. however the way i hybridized the two was stupid. not wanting to part from my lovely drink while shaving i placed the coffee mug on the sink ledge while i got out the beard trimmer. after some buzzing and a satisfying look in the mirror, i had a less satisfying sip of my coffee. it was peppered by clipped beard hair that had tumbled all too predictably from the buzzing blades of my trimmer into the stupidly placed coffee below.

stupid and stupid.

the end.
-m

livejournal meets blogger

three things about me and online journaling:

1)
my first ever blog title was patiently waiting.
then i changed it to in transition.
i changed it again to touching down, somewhere.
and now, for now, it's imminent touchdown on the immanent ancient.
all those changes took place through the course of my livejournal life.


2)
i used to hate the word "blog."
i substantially met and subsequently dated a woman through inter-weblog commenting; she had a blogger account and i had my livejournal account. i hated when she refered to "blogging," and bugged her to switch over to livejournal. she dumped me exactly three days less than one year ago now.

3)
i now have a blogger weblog. but you already know this much.
i dont mind the word "blog" anymore. i kind of like it. i also appreciate the photo options available here and i like a good deal of people who double as online blogger bloggers. sometimes they only allow other blogger bloggers to leave comments.
so that brings me back to where i started.

and one picture:
















-mark